‘Tis the season to be jolly, right? Are you feeling it? Me neither. So here’s a dark take on Christmas carols, which of course we won’t be singing this year because singing loudly means we’re not wearing our masks and so are transmitting an aerosolized form of the virus, even if we’re outside and singing six feet away from our fellow carolers, but…whatever. Maybe it’s best to just read these and sing softly to ourselves.
All tuned up and ready to go?
1st published in 1780 - author unknown
On the first day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
A virus in bat feces.
On the second day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Two pangolins, and
A virus in bat feces.
On the third day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Four PPEs,
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Five Covid wards,
Four PPEs,
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Six nurses screaming,
Five Covid wards,
Four PPEs,
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the seventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Seven doctors warning,
Six nurses screaming,
Five Covid wards,
Four PPEs
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Eight ambulances,
Seven doctors warning,
Six nurses screaming,
Five Covid wards,
Four PPEs,
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the ninth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Nine IVs started,
Eight ambulances,
Seven doctors warning,
Six nurses screaming,
Five Covid wards,
Four PPEs,
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the tenth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Ten intubations,
Nine IVs started,
Eight ambulances,
Seven doctors warning,
Six nurses screaming,
Five Covid wards,
Four PPEs,
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the eleventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Eleven iPad Farewells,
Ten intubations,
Nine IVs started,
Eight ambulances,
Seven doctors warning,
Six nurses screaming,
Five Covid wards,
Four PPEs,
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Twelve vials of vaccine,
Eleven iPad Farewells,
Ten intubations,
Nine IVs started,
Eight ambulances,
Seven doctors warning,
Six nurses screaming,
Five Covid wards,
Four PPEs,
Three cloth masks,
Two pangolins,
And a virus in bat feces.
COVID
BELLS
James Lord Pierpont (1822–1893)
Dashing through the lab
In a German rural scene
Turkish scientists
Splicing in the genes
Bells on titers ring
Molecules look bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A vaccine song tonight!
Covid bells, Covid bells, Covid all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to make synthetic RNA!
Covid bells, Covid bells, Covid all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to make synthetic RNA!
From the German "O Tannenbaum" lyrics date back to 1550
O pangolin, O pangolin
Your scales so brown delight us!
They're brown when summer days are bright,
They're brown when winter snow is white.
O pangolin, O pangolin,
Your scales so brown delight us!
O pangolin, O pangolin,
You give us so much virus!
How oft at Covid tide the sight,
Your keratin, gives us delight!
O pangolin, O pangolin,
You give us so much virus!
O pangolin, O pangolin,
Forever true your vector.
Your scales so brown in summertime
Stay gravely brown in wintertime.
O pangolin, O pangolin,
Forever true your vector.
O pangolin, O pangolin,
You fill my lungs with virus.
Reminding me on Christmas Day
To think of you and then to say
O pangolin, O pangolin
You fill my lungs with virus.
DECK THE HALLS
First published in 1881
Deck the halls with folks on gurneys
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
'Tis the season to have worries,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our gay PPE
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Roll the patients on their tummies
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing new infections
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Make a chart of stark projections
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Follow me but not too closely
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While I social distance mostly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the safety passes
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the danger, maskless asses
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sing we now the epidemic
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Heedless of the next pandemic.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mentioned in a 1916 publication.
Jolly Santa Donald Trump,
Lean your ear this way;
Don't you tell a White House chump
What I'm gonna say.
Christmas Eve is coming soon;
Now you old con man,
Whisper what you’ll do to Mitch;
Tell me if you can.
When the House is out of town,
When the Senate sleeps,
Down to Pennsylvania Ave.
With your pen you’ll creep.
All the spending bills you’ll find
Hanging in a row.
Nancy’s is the shortest one;
You’ll be sure to know.
Navy wants a pair of subs,
Collins wants a deal.
CISA wants new cyber code –
That Putin cannot steal.
As for me, I hardly know;
I’m just a K-Street whore.
Choose for me, dear Santa Trump;
And then I’ll ask for more.
RUDI THE BROWN-NOSED LAWYER
Gene Autry and the Pinafores
You know Sessions
and Bill Barr, Cipollone and Powell
Giuliani and Sekulow, oh my and how!
But do you recall
The most famous Trump lawyer of all?
Rudi the Brown-Nosed
Lawyer
Had a very stinky nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it blows
All of the
other lawyers
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudi
Join in any White House games
Then one
foggy Christmas Eve
Trumpy came to say
"Rudi, with your nose so brown
Won't you guide my coup downtown?"
Then how
the lawyers mocked him
As they shouted out with glee
"Rudi the Brown-Nosed Lawyer
You'll go down in infamy!"
Marilyn
These are...inspired....however, also depressing. I'm so sorry we can't be there and there are no Weihnachtsmarkts or Gluhwein to warm us. We're sending some love from over here. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt's been an unforgettable year that we can't wait to forget. There are no Weihnachtsmärkte or Glühweinstände to warm us up either. All take-away alcohol sales have been cancelled, as have the Christmas markets. Glum year for all concerned. But, here's hoping 2021 will be a little brighter. On that note, know that we're reflecting that love right on back atcha!
DeleteSending lots of socially-distanced hugs and love from your old haunts in San Francisco.
ReplyDeleteNow Onward to a blessed year of recovery! :``)
ps. That's a damn beautiful mask! If they were all that nice I can't imagine anyone not wanting to wear one.
Masks have become a fashion accessory that badly needs promoting. Where are Kanye, Beyonce', Grande, Curry, James, Colbert, Noah, Blitzer, Johansson, Jolie, Clooney, and Streep? They could light a fashion fire and launch an online cottage industry. :-)
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